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November 7, 2011

I honestly don’t have a clue who Kim Kardashian is. I just know she’s often in the entertainment news and recently got married to Kris Humphries, an NBA basketball player. I couldn’t tell you much of anything about these people. But on Oct.26, in the Sun Times there was an article questioning whether their two month old marriage might be on the rocks.

Evidently Kris had been spotted a number of times without his wedding ring. And “sources were saying that Humphries resents Kardashian “talking down to him” or her being angry over his alleged flirting with other women.” I mean, what’s wrong with a married man flirting a little bit with other women! This past Monday I read that Kim is filing for divorce!

Now marriage is often difficult, to say the least. It’s not easy for a man and a woman to live together as one. And yet when a husband and wife love each other marriage can be a wonderful thing. I bless the day I married Angie. Knowing Christ changes everything about the way we approach marriage. This morning as we look at Eph.5:22-33 we see that husbands and wives are to give sacrificially of themselves to each other.

 

I. “WIVES, SUBMIT TO YOUR OWN HUSBANDS.” Eph.5:22-24

As Paul describes our relationships in the church he says in v.21 that we are to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. The very next verse literally says, “Wives to your husbands.” The verb, “submit,” isn’t found in v.22, although it is repeated in v.24. The idea of submitting comes from v.21. In other words, this idea of submitting is an extension of our submission to one another in the church. So there’s a sense in which this is not some special command that Paul gives only to wives. All believers are to have a submissive attitude.

That said, Paul does apply it specifically to wives in v.22. Wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. Everything, Paul? Well, surely not everything. I mean if a husband asks his wife to drive the getaway car in a bank heist that is just not something a wife should submit to. If a husband is abusing his wife, that is not something a wife should submit to. So we know that the word, “everything” has to be qualified, at least to mean those things that are honoring to the Lord. But we need to look at this more closely.

Wives are to submit to their husbands as part of their submission to the Lord. After all, this command comes from the Lord, not the husband. What is more, wives are to submit to their husbands, because the husband is the head of the wife. Now in this whole message we are walking on egg shells because this is a very sensitive topic for women. The late John Stott, points out that the Greek word for, “submit” contains within it the word for “order.” Submitting implies that there is an order of relationship and the one who submits puts themselves under another. In Lk.2:51 we read, “And he went down with them and came to Nazareth and was submissive or obedient to them. In Lk.10:17 we read, “The seventy-two returned with joy, saying, “Lord, even the demons are subject to us in your name!” In marriage, the husband is called the head, and Paul tells us that the idea of headship in marriage is similar to the idea of Christ being the head of the church.

What is more the headship of the husband is not described in terms of power. The word, “authority” does not even occur in this passage. It doesn’t say that the husband is the authority over his wife. Rather the husband’s headship is described as a position of responsibility. Paul writes, “The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior."

Christ is head of the church because he died for the church. He saved the church. The church is his body because he bought it with his blood and he established his church. Christ takes responsibility for the church, his body. So a husband’s headship is described by his God given responsibility. There is nothing here about a husband making his wife submit. There is nothing here about a husband lording it over his wife, as if his wife is his servant. What is more, the Lord is not trying to stifle joy in marriage. He is not seeking to lay a burden on the wife or husband. He is highlighting an order in marriage.

Now I’ve read commentaries on this passage that do their best to weaken any concept of wifely submission. I understand this because for centuries Christian men have taken advantage of this text. But we can’t just define the wife’s submission out of existence. The text says, “Wives, submit to your husbands.” I would like to suggest that this submission is a voluntary giving of oneself to one’s husband in every dimension of living. It is expressed in a willingness to serve one’s husband, not as someone who lives in bondage, but as someone who appreciates her husband’s selfless service to her; as someone who is grateful to God for her husband.

Paul likens the submission of a wife to the submission of the church to Christ. How does the church submit to Christ? Well the church submits out of gratefulness to Christ for providing salvation. The church submits to Christ by seeking to follow in his steps and obeying all that he has commanded. The church submits to Christ by joyfully serving him.

Now my sense is that Paul is speaking in ideal terms here. He is describing the gold standard of marriage. The reality is that many women enter into marriage with a great deal of baggage. Perhaps they watched their mother be abused or mistreated by their father. Maybe, a women enters marriage with a high degree of selfishness or anger. Maybe she herself was abused. We can quickly see why Paul’s words might cause a woman to become upset. Submission only has a negative connotation to her.

No one particularly likes the idea of submission because it unmasks pride, anger, and fear in our own hearts. We don’t want anyone walking over us. We’re not going to let anyone else hurt us like we were hurt in the past. We are afraid of losing our soul, our voice, our life. But we must look to Christ, who “humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross.” Jesus submitted himself to the Father in obedience

Just as a wife’s background can hinder her ability to submit, so a husband’s background and manner can also hinder his wife’s ability to submit. Husbands who are selfish, harsh, controlling, jealous and unkind, promote resentment and anger in their wives. Husbands like this limit their wives from freely contributing to the marriage relationship. Husbands who are unfaithful, emotionally absent, and irresponsible pretty much limit any real submission from their wives. Giving and receiving in marriage always requires mutual respect and love.

Let me just add, that submission does not rule out taking initiative, or developing one’s abilities, or being in charge, or even taking the lead. Submission is a humble attitude of serving and giving. As followers of Christ, Christian wives are to submit to their husbands with the same willingness and joy that they have in their submission to Christ. What this looks like in any given marriage will vary because we are all unique personalities. Christian wives are to have an attitude of submission to their husbands.

 

II. “HUSBANDS LOVE YOUR WIVES.” Eph.5:25-33

Now we see that Paul has much more to say to husbands then he does to wives. And let’s just take a moment to point out what Paul doesn’t say. Paul doesn’t say anything about controlling one’s wife or house or anything else. Nor does Paul say anything about making all the decisions. He doesn’t subscribe to the idea that a man’s home is his castle. He doesn’t give any credence to the idea that a husband can just have his way because he is the head. In fact what Paul writes is just the opposite.

Why does Paul tell husbands to love their wives? Doesn’t that seem to be a given? In the ancient world women were treated poorly. In Judaism, a woman was more of a thing than a person. She had no legal rights. She was the possession of her husband. Among the Greeks it wasn’t any better. A wife was expected to run the home and raise the children. The husband usually found pleasure with other women and there was little family life. In Rome it was the same. “...a wife was completely under her husband’s power. She was his chattel...Her life was one of legal incapacity which amounted to enslavement, while her status was described as imbecilitas...,” from which we get our word, imbecile. So love obviously had little to do with marriage in the ancient world. Clearly Paul is calling for a major upgrade in the marriage relationship.

The word that Paul uses for love is the word agape. Agape love is a very intentional, sacrificial kind of love. As you know it describes the love of Christ for us and the love of God for the world. Christ is the primary example of a husband’s love for his wife. A husband’s headship is rooted in agape love. It is seen in the giving of himself to his wife. The relationship that Christ has to his church sets the standard for the relationship that a husband has to his wife. What is Christ doing for his Church? Well he gave his life for the church in order that the church may be holy. In dying he made it possible for the church to be cleansed by the Holy Spirit and the word of God. His goal is to present the church radiant in the splendor of holiness and blamelessness, without spot or wrinkle.

Now Paul is not saying that husbands are to do the exact same thing as Christ has done for his church. Husbands do not save their wives. Paul is telling husbands to look at Christ and see the sacrificial love and care that Christ gives to his church. Husbands are to exercise sacrificial care and love for their wives.

It is quite striking to see how Paul intertwines Christ’s relationship with his church to the marriage relationship. He says, “Husbands, think about how you care for your own body. You feed it. You provide for it. You protect it. You certainly don’t hate your body. It’s the only body you have. But Paul quickly directs our attention to the way Christ cares for his body, the church. Christ nourishes and cares for his church. Paul goes back and forth between Christ and the church and the husband and his wife. Think about it. The potential for the most intimate relationship possible on this earth is found in the relationship between a husband and wife. That is a picture of the intimate relationship between Christ and his church.

So what exactly does this mean for Christian husbands? Well, first let me say that again, God is not trying to lay a heavy burden on husbands. Rather as husbands, we are called to do all we can to care for and provide for our wives because we love them. We are to do all we can to nurture and cultivate the growth and well being of our wives. Our eyes must be fixed on Christ, “who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” This is what love is. It is sacrificially working for the best of the other.

Again, this is the gold standard for Christian marriage. Most men enter into marriage with self-centered ideas. Because men are generally physically stronger than women and often emotionally less sensitive than women, it is not surprising that men resort to bullying and overpowering women, physically and emotionally, or they become emotionally absent. There are men who are resentful of women because of past experiences in their family or in other relationships. If dad was a bully or if dad wasn’t at home, a man is stunted in his perspective of marriage. And it is also true that if a wife is controlling, unkind, emotionally absent or unfaithful, it will greatly limit a man’s ability to love his wife sacrificially.

So is the husband the head of the wife? Yes. I believe that God entrusts the welfare of a wife into the hands of a husband. While both husband and wife are responsible for the good of the marriage, I believe husbands are called by God to lead the way in cultivating a healthy marriage relationship. Again this will look different in every marriage. The attitude of sacrificial love must drive the behavior of husbands.

 

A young bride-to-be was very nervous on the day before her wedding, so she went to speak with her minister. “I’m afraid I might not make it through the ceremony properly,” she confessed.

The minister assured her that everything would be fine: “When you enter the church tomorrow and the processional begins, you will be walking down the same aisle you’ve walked many times before. Concentrate on that aisle. When you get halfway down the aisle, you’ll see the altar, where you and your family have worshiped for many years. Concentrate on that altar. Then, when you’re almost to the altar, you will see your groom, the one you love. Concentrate on him."

The bride was relieved, and left to prepare for her big moment. The next day, she walked down the aisle with her chin up and eyes bright-a beautiful, confident bride. But those along the center were a bit surprised to hear her muttering over and over: “Aisle, altar, him. Aisle, altar, him.”

Many a wife and husband go into marriage thinking that they will change their spouse. That usually doesn’t work. Instead Paul says, “Wives submit to your husbands,” and “husbands love your wives.” So wives, what are you going to do with this. Husbands what are you going to do with this? Let me make a suggestion. Instead of thinking about what a lousy husband or wife you ended up with, by faith, start focusing on cultivating the attitudes found in these verses. Wives, focus on joyfully giving yourself in gratitude and service to your husband. Husbands, focus on sacrificially loving and caring for your wife and let God bring the changes in your spouse. Acting in these ways will not solve every problem, but it will go a long way in bringing good to your marriage. Amen